You may be wondering why I’m writing a post about toxic relationships on a travel blog. Well, this blog is titled Where He Leads Us, and recent events in my life have been pushing me to write this out. To get my thoughts down. To share my perspective, familiarity and guidance as the Bible tell us to do in order to help our brothers and sisters in similar situations.
Having a toxic relationship attached to your inner most being can be paralyzing. It can cause you to not live your life as fully and completely as you can.
Our desire for this blog is the opposite of that – we hope to inspire and bring joy. And sometimes inspiration and joy come from knowing you’re not alone in your struggles. In your pain. Knowing other’s understand and can bring you a new perspective or way of coping. Which, again, is why I feel led to write this post.
Additionally, writing is therapeutic and natural for me. I’ve often thought about writing on this topic but never have. Today, I’m finally doing it. And even though, this is a travel and experience blog, I think I’m meant to write this out. Even if I remind just one person they are not alone and can move on from a toxic relationship, this post will be worth it.
So before I go any further, I want to make a statement about this topic. This is in no way a medical, psychiatric or factual statement. This is my perspective based on experience.
Toxic relationships (specifically with those whom you have a deep, emotional connection with) hold you back in life. Through and through. They keep you from reaching your utmost potential. They keep you from experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced.
Do you know deep down that you are meant for more in life, but you feel stuck where you are?
When you have a toxic relationship with a parent, sibling, grandparent, spouse or child, that energy vibrates into the deepest parts of your core. This negative energy usually cements your feet in place. That is, until you learn you can break the cement and walk away.
A persons’ actions with whom you have a toxic link to can go as far as affecting your spirit, mindset and even body. Often times, this can and does affect the egotistic personality’s outer circle in such a way that those affected by them feel like they don’t get the most out of their own life.
I’m not a therapist or psychiatrist, but I do have my own deep and painful experiences with toxic people close to me. I’ve had to learn how to deal with horrible things said to me and actions taken against me. I’ve also had to come to the determination that these people’s opinions and ideas of me are nothing more than just that. And I have a choice to remove them and move forward on my own path.
But this post will not be riddled with details on who I’ve had to break chains with and why. I’ll never share those details publicly out of respect for those people and others also affected by them. This post is about encouraging you, from my own experiences, to take steps to find freedom within your life when you’re dealing with toxic relationships.
Always remember: You can move forward, no matter how down-trodden you feel. The Lord is always by your side.
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
-1 Peter 5:8-11
1. Therapy
If I could only recommend one thing when it comes to dealing with and removing severe toxic relationships from your life, it would be to see a therapist. I have gone to therapy many times in my life and recommend it. Mostly it was a hit, occasionally it was a miss. But for the most part, it was worth my effort and I know it would be for you too.
Therapy is embraced by society now. Mental health awareness is on the rise. Gone are the days when we have to keep our struggles in life close to our chest. Not only is it acceptable to talk to God and our best friends about our relational challenges, but it’s welcomed to talk to a therapist too.
Discussing your issues with a third party, who is completely unbiased to your situation (narcissism or other), brings more peace than you could realize. It allows you to empty your internal tank of negativity. And it allows you to do this in a space that isn’t yours, with a person who hardly knows you. It may sound odd, but being away from familiar spaces, with someone you don’t know, discussing your emotional baggage brings immense feelings of safety and non-judgement.
Finally, therapy brings about perspective and coping mechanisms you may not have previously considered. I believe that if you pray and ask God for guidance from a therapist, He can work wonders. He can use that person to speak into you healing, guidance, and love.
2. The Bible
I did not list this first, because while the Bible is in and of itself a complete healing power, we aren’t called to walk through life alone. I believe that we can and should find deep, beautiful healing in the Bible. God will speak to us through His Word if we allow him too. But sometimes the wounds are too deep and the heart too shut off from restoration to fully hear Him through reading the Bible alone.
This is why we need a third party. To open our hearts and minds to what God is trying to teach us through our suffering. Yes, dealing with an egocentric relationship brings suffering and requires healing. Maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, but toxic relationships can be a truly painful experience.
Even though I suggest therapy first, I will encourage you to do this. While you are in the process of talking with a therapist, back up that healing with being in the Word daily. It’s here that God will continually reveal His love and compassion for you. You’ll find direction, hope and freedom in the Word. And again, pairing this with therapy will only hasten your healing process.
Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
-James 5:13-16
If therapy is not something you want to do, then consider looking for group counseling for your particular relational situation or connecting with a pastor. You also have the option of looking for a faith-based therapist. And last but not least, allow your faith family at church the opportunity to help you heal from your tumultuous relationship(s) too.
Your Health
Often times, when we are in a toxic relationship, the other party can easily convince us our downfalls define who we are as a person. They make it seem we are the problem when anything in our life goes awry. We are always the issue. And they blame us for any issues they have in their life too.
The average person can only take so much negative input before they start to take those mental and emotional abuses and harbor them physically.
A couple years ago, I took a one-on-one course to learn the practices and principals of E Ho Omana, a form of Hawaiian healing. Before going through the course, I was instructed to have a private healing and clearing session. In this session, it was reiterated to me that we often conceal negative energy from others in our physical body. The harboring of this energy can cause physical ailments, weight gain, brain fog, sleeplessness, anxiety, and more.
E Ho Omana was a beautiful learning experience and I could write a whole blog post on it. Maybe I will. However, in this part of the writing I will focus on this – when you realize what’s happening to your body due to the stress of a relationship, and you start to take steps toward improving your physical health, more than your outward appearance changes.
When your physical health improves, your confidence grows. And not just confidence in your appearance, but overall confidence in yourself. Things being to [literally] change chemically in your body and you start to realize your value, worth and attributes as a person. You see yourself in a different light and you want to keep moving in that direction.
Growing in your self-worth, changing your physical health for the better and making improvements in your mental chemistry can also be the catalyst to help you remove negative energy from your life. Removing negativity can be a difficult task to overcome if you feel down on yourself. But when your self-image starts to change and you see yourself as the person God made you to be, you can become more bold and willing to fight for peace and freedom in your life.
It’s Okay to Let Go
There are many steps you can take. Many perspectives you can lean on. Many paths in life to go down to remove yourself from toxic relationships.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways. Soul quenching or tender ways. There are more painful or less painful ways.
Just know that though it probably will be hard to let go, you don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You can break that chain in the name of Jesus and walk away.
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
